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What’s Wrong

With America that is.  Well, I’m going to tell you.  Pay full price for something and get half of what you’re paying for whether it be a service or a product.  How about the Internet that I’m paying full price for, but half the time never works.  Or the nice shirt I bought that says, “Warm iron if needed”.  Which really means, you’re going to need that iron and it better be set to cotton with steam because you’ll be ironing that bitch every time you take it out of the dryer.  Or how about food that spoils in 2 days or less.  Have you bought banana’s lately?

 

My Apple laptop is is at least 8 years old and some might say it’s time to upgrade, but why would I do that if it’s always done what I needed it to do?  I’ll tell you why I have to buy a new one.  It’s because the iPod I got for Christmas won’t plug into the Macbook unless I install a newer operating system which I can’t because my laptop is too old.  There it is again…..pay full price and get half.

 

How about getting gas?  I put 30 bucks into that tank….stopped that pump right on 30 and when I take my receipt I see somehow magically I got charged $30.01.  Okay, it’s just a penny, but it’s my fucking penny!

 

The workplace is certainly no different.  Hire me to do a job which was described to me in detail and suddenly I’m doing the work of three people, but only getting paid for one. And why is it the tax man (Uncle Sam) all of a sudden is wanting more of my fucking money?  Make more and come away with less.

 

Of course the new motto in America is keep your trap shut and go with the flow.  Fuck that!  What I really want to do is start charging companies my my time and what I’m out of pocket, for a product or service that never was what you sold it as.  The Internet that keeps going out, I want half of the money back that I paid you for the month for, but never got.  The shirt I’ll return for a full refund, but I want included in that refund my time and cost of gas that it took too discover that you lied to me.  The extra penny you charged me I want back, but I also want to be paid for my time that it took to walk in and argue with you.

 

How about we tell Uncle Sam….hey, fuck you man!  It costs more to live today so you’re only going to get half of what you used to get.  As for the shirt and bananas they should come with a warning label.  Buy the bananas today and eat them today because that’s all the time you got to eat me.  As for the shirt, simple…put a label on the fucker that says you’re going to need a maid because this shit is gonna need ironing everytime you wash and dry it.

 

I’m now of a mindset that if a business calls me on the phone at my home I want a credit card number up front because it’s gonna cost you this time and every other time you call me.  I should also start charging for the therapy I’m going to need.  Anger management ain’t cheap, but if I split it seven ways to Sunday then you shouldn’t bitch too much.  Of course if I share this with the average person they think I’m nuts, but the truth of the matter is that YOU’VE been assimilated into the new world order and I’m standing there with a grenade launcher letting you know….”I don’t think so!”  By the way, I can take your credit card number, but I need the 3 digit number on the back.

 

Submission

What’s Got Hollywood Jim all ready to spit and cuss?  How about my own goddamn fears that are putting up a roadblock too my success?  It’s true, I’m my own worse enemy and I recognize this. What are my fears?  Success, love, being left behind, and turning 49 this June!  How’s that?  Am I afraid of success?  My fear is that I won’t be good enough or that I won’t be able to handle what’s put before me.  My fear concerning love is that I will not ever find it and that maybe I’m not worthy of it.  As for the turning 49 this year it’s that I won’t have enough time to do it all before I’m some old fart being sexually abused at a retirement home.

 

So, as I sit here at my office in the public library I wonder if I still have it, as my heart thumps in my chest. I think I still have that fire inside me that over the last 3 years has been burning down to a slow ember.  What makes me passionate and gets me so mad I want to jump and ask if you’re all getting it?   The question is am I still getting it?

 

It wasn’t long ago I started wondering if aliens exist…the green and gray kind that is.  It seemed at the time that I was getting a lot of people coming into my orbit that were sharing close encounters.  I was curious. I wanted answers and if a green motherfucker was out there I wanted proof because I was gonna sing like a rat betraying his mob crew.  I feel your pain Renee! (Mob Wife) Anyway, I never did get an answer on the green topic, but what I did get was a definite who cares!   If they exist fine and if they don’t and it’s your reality creating this existence of the green, then so be it.  Who am I too judge?  If anything it did make me wonder that if one person is genuinely insane and others follow then there are a whole lot of crazy people out there who maybe aren’t nuts, but are they any more nuts than I am?  No.  They are just people living the dream and marching to a different drummer.

 

That said…I’m deciding that my reality contains no green or gray beings, my government has my best interest at hand and I’m living the dream in Monterey, California!  Yeah baby!

 

So, do I still have it?  How’s this: Obama endorses gay marriage!  Whoo Hoo….whoooo cares!  Not me and I’m gayer than gay, but I also don’t believe in the politics of it all either.  Obama endorses it because it’s a grasp at hopefully getting re-elected which won’t happen even if she…I mean he, has the gay vote.  That said and most agree to the political move on his part, but it still doesn’t mean shit.  Federal government is always changing something in the constitution anyway so what’s the point?  It’s legal today and illegal tomorrow.  I’m more interested in getting America back on the fast track to world dominance.  No more farming jobs out overseas, make gas cheap or give me a subsidy to keep my tank filled, make health care free to all…okay, not all because I want those crumbs in congress and corporate America to pay. Do you get my drift?  It’s okay to be gay, but I can only be gay if I can afford to do what I want to do which means driving two hours and and wasting a tank of gas that I can afford!  Think club.  So, it may be legal to wed your same sex partner soon, but does it really change anything?  Besides, straight people are becoming the minority (ask John Travolta) just like white people so hang a bit….try out that pretty in pink dress your wife would love and plan that gay marriage to the pastor of your church….it’s all good Mary!

 

Yup…I got it…legally or not!

Sedona and Vita

I first came to Sedona with my friend Janette 12 long years ago.  I had finally escaped the stronghold fear had me in from leaving that house back in NY for 35 years.  I knew there was a whole world filled with people and I wanted to see it all.  We gave up everything we owned, got a van, packed up the cat and bird and we were off.  We drove into Flagstaff, not impressed, but when we drove into Sedona I was in awe of those red rocks and I wanted to live here.  It was a year of sheer torture for me.  They was no work and even worse, the questions I still had about who I was and who God was were never answered here.  How could anyone answer my questions when all were here for different reasons and while all could give me answers they could only do it for a price.  I quickly learned that spirituality came at a monetary price here in Sedona.  We left as soon as the year lease was up.

We moved to Colorado Springs where I quickly landed a job and pretty much worked for the next 10 years.  I got back everything I gave up in NY.  I had the nice place to live back and all my stuff.  I shopped and enjoyed everything I had including the white sofa that I paid way too much for, but loved.  After leaving Sedona I also got back my confidence.  I became a media personality and the cash was rolling in.

All wasn’t so sweet in the last few years living in Colorado.  Eventually I was relocated to Denver with my work.  Denver was okay for a while, but toward the end things began to unravel.  I was fired from my job.  It was a relief.  The job that almost killed me was now over and I needed to make plans for the future.  The nice apartment was gone and I moved back to Colorado Springs with Janette until I could get back on my feet.

I kinda knew then that I was done with Colorado.  The economy was in a depression and work was scarce, but I had the unemployment and could go anywhere.  I knew Sedona was a place of peace and tranquility.  I could go back to rest and heal.  I did just that.  Once again, all the stuff was gone.  All I had is what few clothes I could put into the trunk of a car and my girls.  That was okay because I knew it would come back to me…or so I thought.

When I was done healing and ready to get back out there I got that job with the paper that mainstreamed me from the adult business I had worked in and gave me that name, “Hollywood Jim”.  I got a whole lot of things while living here in Sedona and not many of them are good.

I got a publisher and owner of a paper who after almost a year of working closely with just vanished without a word.  My friend was gone and I was used.  Many people like her followed.  I was great to know as long as YOU were getting something from me, but the minute I needed something you weren’t there.  This became the norm for most people living in Sedona.  Say one thing and do something else seemed to be the motto here.  I also got tired of the convoluted thinking here.  Several believe in aliens while others believe in angels which is fine, but somehow the thinking is so far off from everything else it became difficult to determine who was crazy and who was real.  I also got tired of the massage therapist from NY who was now doing healings here because it was a money-maker and the tourist coming here looking for answers to the same questions I had was now going to get a past life regression formerly known as a massage.  Yes sir, capitalizing on the seeker of truth was still alive and well in Sedona.

Sedona for me is a place that takes and takes giving very little back.  It’s clear that I’m not a happy camper here and would leave in a heartbeat if I could afford it.  Sedona is no more a spiritual place that Derby NY was.  It took a sometime, but I figured that one out a long time ago.  I did think that my second time here would be different because I wasn’t seeking answers to who I was and what my part in it all is.  While my intentions were different both times I still got the same emptiness.

Even the few dicks I managed to suck belonged to men who were already in committed relationships or I was just a quick fix never to be heard from again.

This brings me to that goddamn little toy called Playstation Vita.  I live in a place I never wanted, have less than I had before, and the future only looks bright when I think of leaving here for good and never looking back.  Very little here in Sedona makes me happy so when that little game was promised to me and then delayed I was upset because it represented something else I wanted, but was being held back from me.

So, when everyone is celebrating the Sedona Film Festival because they see the influx of tourist dollars I still see the reality of a place filled with empty promises and even more empty people.  I’m not a fan Sedona….not by a long shot.  I think I’ve met one person here who seems as real as I am.  He should know he who is….his hand print is all over this place.

What I do love about Sedona and always have is the beauty and quiet of this place away from the city center.  I love the red rocks and the red earth.  I love the magic in the smaller places.  I love what the Indians loved, but I also get sad as they do, because the magic for the most part is gone replaced by the greed and shallowness.

Sedona is my Sedona and belongs to no one else.  She is what I make it sometimes and other times she is what she makes it whether or not I like it.

Long story short, I really thought my life would be something else when I left NY and the truth is I’m not happy and haven’t been for a very long time.  Maybe that has something to do with Sedona and maybe it doesn’t.  And as stupid as it sounds that game was just a little piece of happiness to fill a void.

Sometimes life isn’t what you make of it, but sometimes it’s how you play the hand dealt you.  It’s a love hate thing here with Sedona and while others here would tell you different I can tell you that there is no work here, no shopping, no museums, no people interested in real relationships for anything that doesn’t benefit them and integrity is just a word.  Then again, I didn’t come here the second time to be reborn.  I came here to heal.  I did and now maybe it’s time to move on?

Of course I realize this blog won’t win me any fans and that’s fine because I’m not here to be loved or even liked, but I am here and just as much a part of Sedona as you are.

Now, that little fucking toy better get here to make living here another Summer tolerable!  Amen!

 

 

 

 

Jaime Fraley

I listened and watched a video my friend sent me this morning and I started crying.  Jaime’s post was a reply to my comment about wanting to lay in the Sun.  I watched that video and I started thinking back through my life quickly.  I saw all the years spent in a prison of fears.  I remembered all too clearly the trap I had been in for the longest time.  The Sun was something I never felt because I was afraid.  I was 36 years old when I felt that Sun and ventured into the world that now intrigued me.  I saw things and met people I never thought possible.  I was a part of that Sun.

Now, I find myself desperate and longing to know and experience more!  I don’t know how to explain it other than to say I want to experience people like never before.  I want to see and experience people in Korea, Egypt, and Europe. I want to feel that energy and how it relates to the Universe.  I want to feel how the land across the globe feels and how the animals feel.  I want to know what it’s like to exhausted by the greatness of it all only to wake up with another thrill ahead of me!   I want to be so filled with greatness that it explodes from me.  I want to be the Great Pyramid in Egypt and be the tallest skyscraper in Singapore.  I want to be Rome and the Tower of London.  I want to be the hawk in the sky.  I want to be the collective greatness!  When I lay in the Sun I am there.

I also cried because I see limitations and the sometimes un-greatness of it all. I see the ordinary and today I don’t feel the Sun.  When will I feel the walk on a dream again?  I’ll wait a little while.

Thank you my friend….you reminded me of the thrill of it!

Recently…

I had a situation come up with a friend that left me stunned.  I’m going to explain the situation without putting gender on this person.  This person won’t like what I’m doing, but anyone who truly knows me, knows that I express myself through writing and videos.  Somehow that clears it for me and I can let it go.  I mean no judgement or bad intent by writing this.

I kinda felt that my friend was disrespecting my other friend in a situation recently.  I also felt the circumstance lacked integrity.  I expressed how uncomfortable I was now that I had to break the agreement with the second friend that was brought about by the first friend and that I was the person in the middle.  My second friend was understanding, but the first friend was acting a little too arrogant and telling me to never mind, and that I should go lay down and brush it off. Huh? I thought to myself .  You just fucked me twice on a situation that I was in the middle of with the second friend and I should just forget it?  Can I forget it?

Yes, I can forget it, but I’m also feeling that an apology is somewhere in order too.  I can most likely not need an apology either, but then who makes the first move after that?  We haven’t spoken in several days and now I’m asking myself if the friendship is over?  This person is someone who helped me understand a huge lesson recently about not making rash decisions and taking time to feel through something before reacting.  Is this person someone who helped me and now it’s time to move on and look back fondly of the time together?  Is this person not seeing a lesson for themselves?  Am I not seeing a lesson for myself?  Is this how friendships end?

I don’t have the answer to any of those questions.  If I’ve come to understand that I’ve lost friendships because of my quick temper and inability to be flexible then why in this situation that I was in the middle of leaving me hurt?  Are there things I stand up for and hold firmly too or do I just become a pushover and say it’s okay to disregard my feelings?

This human drama is certainly an exhautsing one to say the least.  Sometimes I don’t want to think or question why people even come into my life, but if I do that do I become the zombie being led by the flesh?  I want the world to know that my feelings matter and hopefully I can represent for others who feel like me by expressing every bad and good part of my life.

In the end, I would hope that all friends who come into my life are special, held closely to my heart forever, and no one gets hurt.

 

Realities

Lately, I’m coming to the realization that it’s all really subjective.  Last night I was talking with a friend and had several slam me in the face moments.  Living here in Sedona, the land of make-believe, I’ve come to see that so many people share so many different beliefs.  I remember back in New York when I was searching for who God was, I studied several different religions and came to the conclusion that I didn’t have to choose one religion, but I could pick from several and draw my own conclusions.  That worked for me and now I’m comfortable with my belief system about who God is and how I fit into the scheme of things.

When I moved here to Sedona I came upon many things that were odd to say the least.  Aliens being the one that sticks out the most.  At first, I thought I believed in the possibility of other life forms, but without absolute physical proof I’m leaning toward not believing and for a few simple reasons.  One reason being that I don’t know if you’re psychotic and the second reason being, I’m not going to buy into your psychosis.  This is your reality, not mine.  This thought led me to several other thoughts.

Chemical trails that fill the sky here are a prevalent topic of conversation.  I’m totally with the idea that it’s not good and that something bigger is going on, but I’m not buying into the “Let’s get sick from our government crap”.  I have complete free will and can choose to get sick or not.  I choose not.  I’m also choosing several other things.

I’m choosing not to live in poverty as our government would want.  I’m choosing to be healthy for as long as I want to remain on this Earth plain.  I’m choosing to believe that IF there is other intelligent life forms in our Universe then they are good and here to co-habitat.  Someone whom I respect answered my question of the possibility of alien life forms said that I was an alien life form.  At first that made sense, but now I see that it doesn’t.  I was born on this planet, at least in the physical and as such will go back to the Earth.  My soul of course lives forever.

I’m also starting to question the collective thought of Americans.  I will not live in fear of my government because I won’t give anyone that power.  I won’t live in fear of dying because I won’t give that thought power.  I will not be categorized by anyone, because I won’t give humans that power.  And I won’t be a prisoner of my own thoughts that take away power.

I suppose what I’m saying is that I have absolute control of my own life.  I won’t be buying into your belief system because I have my own.  In America and maybe it’s because we live in a fishbowl, but I’m over the bullshit.  I’m tired of politics, media, celebrities, and corporate America.  I’m incredibly curious to know what the collective thought of all people living on Earth is.  I’m going to Europe with my dogs and I don’t know if I’ll be coming back.  I see the smallness of the thinking here.  I don’t see new ideas and thoughts being discussed.  What I do see is fear and I’m choosing not to be a part of that.

Diary 1-13-2012

I kinda feel like shit today.  My back hurts and I feel old.  I never wanted to become the grandpa, but I feel it slowly creeping in. I thought I knew all the trends, but my time living in the middle of nowhere has left me trend hungry.  What’s new in music, what are people wearing, and most of all…what are they thinking?  Oh hell, I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.  Is it possible to be old at 48?  Will my pants be pulled up higher?  Well I start wearing shoes with velcro closures?  Will I join a church group?  Ugh.

I diet endlessly because I don’t want that old man stomach, but instead I get a hanging ass and chin.  So quickly those years behind have become memories of something lost.

I didn’t leave my house until I was 33 and now at 48 I wonder why I ever did.  I thought it was because there was a whole world out there and I wanted to see and experience it all.  Those four walls never held the promise of something new and now I find that leaving those four walls was pointless anyway.  All the stuff is gone…all of it.  Did something better come along to replace it all?  No.

Funny thing about life…it is what you make it, but sometimes it’s what you make with what you’re given.  Regrets?  You’re goddamn right!  Watch out, I’m driving a car and I’m a little pissy today.