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December 15, 2011

December 15, 2011

I went to bed late last night only to wake early by that fucking heat blasting me awake.  It put me a shitty mood right away.  Oh well, another thing I have no say in.  It’s not like I’m actually paying my way for anything anymore.  If I had known that life here in Sedona would have become the way it has I would have done things a lot differently.  I do regret moving here, but I thought it was a place I could come to heal after many years of that nightmare job.  So far, all I’ve gotten is more misery.  I went from dealing with perverts on a daily basis to dealing with UFO nuts and people who post shit like sunsets and rainbows and how maybe you shouldn’t kick your dog today and just simple because God loves you BS.  I went from one microcosm  to another.

I know there is a world out there where other people like me think.  A world where perverts don’t exist and someone isn’t smiling while they are really  miserable inside.

All I wanted 12 years ago is to know why I exist and why and who God is.  I got some of those answers, but the big one remains, why do I live?

I see myself getting older and still not closer to the answers.  I see day after day go by and look back on those days and see they have become years.  I see myself going back even further than the 12 years and recognizing the fear all over again.  The fear of people and the outdoors.  What is different now is that what lead me to this point right here, right now isn’t the search for meaning, but the search for place.



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