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Diary December 16, 2011

December 16, 2011

Yesterday was pretty bad.  I spent the entire day in bed occasionally thinking about suicide. I guess I haven’t sunk into that hole of blackness yet because I’m still here.  I’m also too much of a coward I suppose.  I also think of the dogs and how I couldn’t leave them behind, especially Posey.  I remember how much everything makes me afraid.

I have a twin brother that I haven’t seen in 12 years.  I remember on our first day of kindergarten how much I cried because I was afraid.  My twin was right there to protect me.  Looking back on my life I remember how much I couldn’t do on my own out of fear.

I think I’ve been agoraphobic me while life.  I remember the pain and frustration of not being able to leave my room and as an adult not being able to leave the house.  I lived like that for 32 years until one day I decided that I had had enough.  I went into a year of psycho-therapy and after that I decided there was a whole world I wanted to see and experience.

Somehow, Hollywood Jim was born and I loved it.  I discovered that I liked people and that I loved being heard, that people were reading and listening to what I had to say.  The first time I did live videotaped interviews I knew I was doing what I wanted to do.  It became my passion born out of the loneliness of decades.  Now, I find myself sinking back into that room of despair with no way out.  I find myself getting older…a lot older and time seems to be slipping away.  Will a world obsessed with youth want a tired old fag, will people really care about what I have to say?

I’ll continue on always in hopes that something better will come along.  More resumes will go out along with prayers that someone will see what I know I can do.  Today is a new day.

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One Comment
  1. Jennifer Nuzzo permalink

    If u kill yourself I will be pissed! So shut the hell up and get ready for game night u whiny bitch! Love u! Muah!

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