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Diary December 17, 2011

December 17, 2011

Well, I’m still here which says a lot for the spirit to continue in hopes of a new and better day.  I get caught up in the sometimes emptiness of life and see no way out.  It was actually my little black Chihuahua Posey who got me out of that funk.  I was sipping tea at the kitchen counter with no energy whatsoever when she comes into the room and looks at me.  I looked at her and smiled.  She then put on her game face and encouraged me to play with her.  Her play was more animated than ever with running and toy tossing and when she was done she reached up her face and licked me.  I love her more than any other animal I’ve ever known and would never leave her to suffer my exit.  She’s young yet, 5 so thank goodness for a long lived little animal.  Long live Posey and Miss Kitty!

I spent the day with my friend in Prescott while she took care of some business matters and afterward we shopped and had dinner.  I needed that to recharge and refocus.  Thank you friend!

Depression is funny.  I watched my mother suffer through it quietly when I was a child.  I remember the hopelessness I felt when she would say things like she wished she was dead.  How could I help?  How could I make a difference?  For her, I think the depression came from a life she never expected or wanted.  She continued because she had children like I have my dogs.  In the end of her life I knew that the depression is what killed her and not the cancer she had been treated for years earlier.  She had had enough and waited quietly to fall out of bed hitting her head.  I remember when I saw her last she was sitting in her dark bedroom looking at a dark television screen.  She was going then and I knew it.

Is my life what I wanted or expected?  Is any of our lives what we thought we wanted or expected?  No.  For me it’s the mundane, the day to day crap we deal with until something better comes along.  Some deal with it differently and some just go along never really wanting more than what they have.  At 48 years old I sit here wanting to see it all and experience it all and no means to make that happen.  When I look back on my life I see these bursts of time in between the long stretches of life that are just enough to continue on.  I’m get tired of waiting for the next burst.

I kicked dope, booze, and conquered many fears so what’s next God?  I can’t settle for a life unloved and unheard.  I can’t wait in a room watching a fabulous 47 inch flat screen TV waiting for the end.  I want to see Europe, shop in New York City, meet new people…I want to make a contribution to out global consciousness.  And I don’t want to be ordinary.

I came to Sedona 2 years ago after a 10 year absence to heal from a job that I almost allowed to kill me.  I learned and accomplished more in those 10 years than in an entire lifetime and I want more.  Spirit didn’t lead me here, I lead me here.  For now, the resumes will continue to go out and I may even have to settle for something I don’t want in order to get what I do  want.  Please Lord….give me the strength to endure the mundane and the ordinary until that next big thing comes along to take me to that next level.  Amen.

 

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3 Comments
  1. Okay, First off thanks for sharing! You have no idea yet of how your sharing is going to help someone else. But it is… always be honest! If your not having a great day its okay to say so, if you are having a fabulous day! We want to share that with you. And even those “dark” days are gonna save not only you, but also save someone else. I look forward to sharing this journey with you, laughing, crying if necessary, and definitely praying with you! So keep doing what you do!

  2. Jennifer Nuzzo permalink

    Love u Jimmie!

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