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Losing

December 26, 2011

I’ve always been alone.  I was even alone living with my family as a kid.  You wouldn’t think you would be, but I was.  I couldn’t even begin to count the people who have come and gone from my life.  So many.  I used to say it was okay that people came in and out of my life like a revolving door.  I was just grateful for the time that I got to know them.  From every single person I learned something and hopefully they learned something from me.  Good or bad, I always wanted to know why a relationship started and ended.  Last night I found out why.

I now know that spending all those decades alone could have only one result…more lonliness.

What I neglected to see is that there is something wrong with me.  I don’t know how to treat or respect people.  I never learned how and I don’t know how to learn.  It’s like driving a car, you see a red light and hit that brake pedal and you do it all without really thinking.  Before I knew what was going on….it’s done, over, and I was the one driving.

It’s not about fixing the relationships anymore, that much I did learn last night.  It’s about recognizing something within myself that’s broken and until I can fix what’s broken it will never go away.  I know what the problem is, I just don’t know how to fix me.  I don’t know how to hit that brake without thinking.

Do I go into therapy? Can I spend months trying to get to the root of my issue so I can come into friendships healthy and sane?  I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that whole thought.  The only other alternative I have is to no longer allow people into my personal life.  I’m doing this not to be self-hating or arrogant.  I’m doing this because I love you all enough to not subject anyone ever again to me.  So, when I keep you at arms length please understand that I’m not capable of loving anther human being unconditionally.

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