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Still Learning

January 11, 2012

I don’t know if it was all the crap I suffered as a kid at the hands of my unknowing parents or something I picked up later, but it’s coming to my attention that I still have some things to change.  I should first share that there was something that I suffered through as a toddler right into my late teens.  I won’t tell you what it was, but I will say that it was something that prevented me from becoming close to people.  I’m beginning to realize that I’ve been pulling away from people like I did when I was younger.

The realization came recently.  The first part of that light bulb moment came weeks ago when I learned that some of my behavior was negative to my personal relationships and the second part is unfolding right now.  I’m seeing that my past relationships ended not for one reason, but for several and I’m still not really sure if it’s me or not.  I guess the question is when do you stop people from continuing what you feel is bad behavior or do you turn it around and just accept people for what they are?  Do I accept committed plans between both parties as set in stone or when what I feel was something committed is broken, okay to break?  When someone says they’re going to do something and don’t, do you cut them off completely?  Is it okay to be upset with them and express that emotion?  Is it okay to not ackowlwge the slight and just pretend it didn’t happen?  Is it okay to not hold people to their word?

In the past, if you said you were going to do something I expected it to be done and if you broke that promise I would cut you out completely.  I took you for your word.   Now, I’m starting to question the cutting off part.  I mean, if you said you were going to do something and didn’t is it okay to pretend the slight never happened and just go on or do you say, “Hey, you fucked me over on something you promised and I’m hurt”.  Do you not say anything and just move forward?

Part of me has no use for people who say one thing and do another.  I understand things happen and best laid plans can go awry, but is it up to the party who broke the promise to acknowlege they did so?  “Jim’s mad or upset with me”. Can’t I be upset over a committment you broke?  Can I feel hurt and dissappiontment?  Can I ignore the slight?

When I say I’m going to do something I do it, and when I can’t, I say I can’t.  I also understand that shit happens and some things aren’t in my control, but I will address the situtaion and not act like it never happened.  Is it okay to be a phony and pretend everything is okay when in fact my feelings were hurt.  If I accept bad behavior in others do I accept it in myself?  Is it okay to not be as good as your word?

In the end, maybe all we have is our word.


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