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January 23, 2012

I had a situation come up with a friend that left me stunned.  I’m going to explain the situation without putting gender on this person.  This person won’t like what I’m doing, but anyone who truly knows me, knows that I express myself through writing and videos.  Somehow that clears it for me and I can let it go.  I mean no judgement or bad intent by writing this.

I kinda felt that my friend was disrespecting my other friend in a situation recently.  I also felt the circumstance lacked integrity.  I expressed how uncomfortable I was now that I had to break the agreement with the second friend that was brought about by the first friend and that I was the person in the middle.  My second friend was understanding, but the first friend was acting a little too arrogant and telling me to never mind, and that I should go lay down and brush it off. Huh? I thought to myself .  You just fucked me twice on a situation that I was in the middle of with the second friend and I should just forget it?  Can I forget it?

Yes, I can forget it, but I’m also feeling that an apology is somewhere in order too.  I can most likely not need an apology either, but then who makes the first move after that?  We haven’t spoken in several days and now I’m asking myself if the friendship is over?  This person is someone who helped me understand a huge lesson recently about not making rash decisions and taking time to feel through something before reacting.  Is this person someone who helped me and now it’s time to move on and look back fondly of the time together?  Is this person not seeing a lesson for themselves?  Am I not seeing a lesson for myself?  Is this how friendships end?

I don’t have the answer to any of those questions.  If I’ve come to understand that I’ve lost friendships because of my quick temper and inability to be flexible then why in this situation that I was in the middle of leaving me hurt?  Are there things I stand up for and hold firmly too or do I just become a pushover and say it’s okay to disregard my feelings?

This human drama is certainly an exhautsing one to say the least.  Sometimes I don’t want to think or question why people even come into my life, but if I do that do I become the zombie being led by the flesh?  I want the world to know that my feelings matter and hopefully I can represent for others who feel like me by expressing every bad and good part of my life.

In the end, I would hope that all friends who come into my life are special, held closely to my heart forever, and no one gets hurt.



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