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Sedona and Vita

February 18, 2012

I first came to Sedona with my friend Janette 12 long years ago.  I had finally escaped the stronghold fear had me in from leaving that house back in NY for 35 years.  I knew there was a whole world filled with people and I wanted to see it all.  We gave up everything we owned, got a van, packed up the cat and bird and we were off.  We drove into Flagstaff, not impressed, but when we drove into Sedona I was in awe of those red rocks and I wanted to live here.  It was a year of sheer torture for me.  They was no work and even worse, the questions I still had about who I was and who God was were never answered here.  How could anyone answer my questions when all were here for different reasons and while all could give me answers they could only do it for a price.  I quickly learned that spirituality came at a monetary price here in Sedona.  We left as soon as the year lease was up.

We moved to Colorado Springs where I quickly landed a job and pretty much worked for the next 10 years.  I got back everything I gave up in NY.  I had the nice place to live back and all my stuff.  I shopped and enjoyed everything I had including the white sofa that I paid way too much for, but loved.  After leaving Sedona I also got back my confidence.  I became a media personality and the cash was rolling in.

All wasn’t so sweet in the last few years living in Colorado.  Eventually I was relocated to Denver with my work.  Denver was okay for a while, but toward the end things began to unravel.  I was fired from my job.  It was a relief.  The job that almost killed me was now over and I needed to make plans for the future.  The nice apartment was gone and I moved back to Colorado Springs with Janette until I could get back on my feet.

I kinda knew then that I was done with Colorado.  The economy was in a depression and work was scarce, but I had the unemployment and could go anywhere.  I knew Sedona was a place of peace and tranquility.  I could go back to rest and heal.  I did just that.  Once again, all the stuff was gone.  All I had is what few clothes I could put into the trunk of a car and my girls.  That was okay because I knew it would come back to me…or so I thought.

When I was done healing and ready to get back out there I got that job with the paper that mainstreamed me from the adult business I had worked in and gave me that name, “Hollywood Jim”.  I got a whole lot of things while living here in Sedona and not many of them are good.

I got a publisher and owner of a paper who after almost a year of working closely with just vanished without a word.  My friend was gone and I was used.  Many people like her followed.  I was great to know as long as YOU were getting something from me, but the minute I needed something you weren’t there.  This became the norm for most people living in Sedona.  Say one thing and do something else seemed to be the motto here.  I also got tired of the convoluted thinking here.  Several believe in aliens while others believe in angels which is fine, but somehow the thinking is so far off from everything else it became difficult to determine who was crazy and who was real.  I also got tired of the massage therapist from NY who was now doing healings here because it was a money-maker and the tourist coming here looking for answers to the same questions I had was now going to get a past life regression formerly known as a massage.  Yes sir, capitalizing on the seeker of truth was still alive and well in Sedona.

Sedona for me is a place that takes and takes giving very little back.  It’s clear that I’m not a happy camper here and would leave in a heartbeat if I could afford it.  Sedona is no more a spiritual place that Derby NY was.  It took a sometime, but I figured that one out a long time ago.  I did think that my second time here would be different because I wasn’t seeking answers to who I was and what my part in it all is.  While my intentions were different both times I still got the same emptiness.

Even the few dicks I managed to suck belonged to men who were already in committed relationships or I was just a quick fix never to be heard from again.

This brings me to that goddamn little toy called Playstation Vita.  I live in a place I never wanted, have less than I had before, and the future only looks bright when I think of leaving here for good and never looking back.  Very little here in Sedona makes me happy so when that little game was promised to me and then delayed I was upset because it represented something else I wanted, but was being held back from me.

So, when everyone is celebrating the Sedona Film Festival because they see the influx of tourist dollars I still see the reality of a place filled with empty promises and even more empty people.  I’m not a fan Sedona….not by a long shot.  I think I’ve met one person here who seems as real as I am.  He should know he who is….his hand print is all over this place.

What I do love about Sedona and always have is the beauty and quiet of this place away from the city center.  I love the red rocks and the red earth.  I love the magic in the smaller places.  I love what the Indians loved, but I also get sad as they do, because the magic for the most part is gone replaced by the greed and shallowness.

Sedona is my Sedona and belongs to no one else.  She is what I make it sometimes and other times she is what she makes it whether or not I like it.

Long story short, I really thought my life would be something else when I left NY and the truth is I’m not happy and haven’t been for a very long time.  Maybe that has something to do with Sedona and maybe it doesn’t.  And as stupid as it sounds that game was just a little piece of happiness to fill a void.

Sometimes life isn’t what you make of it, but sometimes it’s how you play the hand dealt you.  It’s a love hate thing here with Sedona and while others here would tell you different I can tell you that there is no work here, no shopping, no museums, no people interested in real relationships for anything that doesn’t benefit them and integrity is just a word.  Then again, I didn’t come here the second time to be reborn.  I came here to heal.  I did and now maybe it’s time to move on?

Of course I realize this blog won’t win me any fans and that’s fine because I’m not here to be loved or even liked, but I am here and just as much a part of Sedona as you are.

Now, that little fucking toy better get here to make living here another Summer tolerable!  Amen!

 

 

 

 

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