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Still Learning

I don’t know if it was all the crap I suffered as a kid at the hands of my unknowing parents or something I picked up later, but it’s coming to my attention that I still have some things to change.  I should first share that there was something that I suffered through as a toddler right into my late teens.  I won’t tell you what it was, but I will say that it was something that prevented me from becoming close to people.  I’m beginning to realize that I’ve been pulling away from people like I did when I was younger.

The realization came recently.  The first part of that light bulb moment came weeks ago when I learned that some of my behavior was negative to my personal relationships and the second part is unfolding right now.  I’m seeing that my past relationships ended not for one reason, but for several and I’m still not really sure if it’s me or not.  I guess the question is when do you stop people from continuing what you feel is bad behavior or do you turn it around and just accept people for what they are?  Do I accept committed plans between both parties as set in stone or when what I feel was something committed is broken, okay to break?  When someone says they’re going to do something and don’t, do you cut them off completely?  Is it okay to be upset with them and express that emotion?  Is it okay to not ackowlwge the slight and just pretend it didn’t happen?  Is it okay to not hold people to their word?

In the past, if you said you were going to do something I expected it to be done and if you broke that promise I would cut you out completely.  I took you for your word.   Now, I’m starting to question the cutting off part.  I mean, if you said you were going to do something and didn’t is it okay to pretend the slight never happened and just go on or do you say, “Hey, you fucked me over on something you promised and I’m hurt”.  Do you not say anything and just move forward?

Part of me has no use for people who say one thing and do another.  I understand things happen and best laid plans can go awry, but is it up to the party who broke the promise to acknowlege they did so?  “Jim’s mad or upset with me”. Can’t I be upset over a committment you broke?  Can I feel hurt and dissappiontment?  Can I ignore the slight?

When I say I’m going to do something I do it, and when I can’t, I say I can’t.  I also understand that shit happens and some things aren’t in my control, but I will address the situtaion and not act like it never happened.  Is it okay to be a phony and pretend everything is okay when in fact my feelings were hurt.  If I accept bad behavior in others do I accept it in myself?  Is it okay to not be as good as your word?

In the end, maybe all we have is our word.

Jump Off

I apologize for yesterday.  I stepped back into some old behavior that I’m not proud of and I don’t feel good about it.  I was supposed to rise above it and maintain my cool.  I didn’t.  I became inflexible, angry, and pretty damn ugly.

It all started when I posted a video about people getting in the way.  What I meant by the video is to say that we have to be respectful of everyone and everything.  You can’t stop your car in moving traffic because you want to take a picture or you want that parking spot and you’re just going to sit there until it happens,  in the meantime causing other people to be inconvenienced.  You can’t walk in front of other people expecting them to move out of your way.  You can’t blast your music so loud it upsets others.  You can’t hit my ankles in the supermarket with your shopping cart.  You can’t impose your life on others.

I feel that when we fully understand our impact on the people around us that we do raise our consciousness.  When we accept the idea that we all have an effect on each other and respect that idea only then can we move forward.  If we keep moving to a place where we lose the idea of cause and effect we lose common respect.

My delivery in making the video was off because it came across as arrogant which was not my intention.  I wouldn’t have thought anything was wrong with the video until someone I don’t know made a comment I didn’t like and bingo…I was there. I was angry and upset.  I wanted to beat that persons ass to a pulp because they went against my ideal.  Truth is, I didn’t have to like what he said, but I didn’t have to go off and get upset either.  What I should have done was stop and ask myself why this person’s comment upset me and choose my reaction.  I didn’t do that.

I’m grateful this person checked me.  I can now see where I tripped and how I would handle a similar situation again.  I jumped off where I shouldn’t have, and will not be jumping off blindly again.

Bed

I was lying there this morning thinking of the mundane day ahead.  I thought how nothing is going to be different from yesterday and what the fuck is the point of even getting up?  After the coffee and cherry cigar cleared my head I thought again about the day ahead.  It’s completely up to me on how I approach the day.  Today, I choose excitement, lots of interesting people coming into the store, and at the end of it all a deep satisfaction that it was good.

I’m grateful for good friends and a job that gets me out of the house.  No day has to be just like the day before and no thought that I have has to be the same thought I had an hour ago.  Today, I choose peace, love, and excitement.

I had a great day yesterday and it was because I wasn’t going to be deterred by one negative thought  and I wasn’t going to give in to someone else’s negative thought.  It’s my choice on what I want to feel and what I want to do.

I’m looking forward to a new year filled with exciting challenges and just as exciting people.  Bring it on baby, I’m ready!

2012

So, what do I endeavor for the new year?  I’m going to try to cut out all meat from my diet and to cut way back on the sugar.  It doesn’t sound like much, but you know a cookie has meat in it and meat has sugar.  Ha!  The meat absence for 2012 is really because I’ve always thought of the misery animals must endure just for me to eat them.  I think the panic they must feel before slaughter rings into the universe forever and I no longer want to be a part of the voice.  I think I’ve evolved enough to see that meat in my diet is no longer a necessity for me to live a human life.  I don’t know how I’m going to achieve this with the dogs, whose main diet is ground turkey and canned vegetable, but I’ll give it my best.

The sugar has to go for one simple reason, I’ll be 49 this year and I still need to keep that 34 waist!

My biggest and most challenging resolution is to be more emotionally healthy. I resolve to not obsess and over think things.  I resolve to be a better friend, and I resolve to remain in my inner clam.  This all really started a few weeks ago when I was in a situation with a friend where I became spoiled selfish Jim and almost lost that friendship.  Thanks to my friend, she helped me see that my behavior had a specific outcome and that it didn’t have to be this way.  I could be different and I could fix what I thought was broken.  Now, I know when I see that behavior creeping in I can also recognize the fear and avoid the old outcome. We are all works in progress, but I don’t want to keep working on the same shit over and over again.  I want new and exciting challenges and welcome them with new emotionally healthy hands.

I also resolve that this year be one where I’m out on my own again.  I want my own place that’s all mine and no one else’s.

The Mayans say that 2012 is about change and that if you endeavor to do good in this year you will be rewarded with abundance and if you endeavor to do evil you will lose.  I’m Winning this year!

Losing

I’ve always been alone.  I was even alone living with my family as a kid.  You wouldn’t think you would be, but I was.  I couldn’t even begin to count the people who have come and gone from my life.  So many.  I used to say it was okay that people came in and out of my life like a revolving door.  I was just grateful for the time that I got to know them.  From every single person I learned something and hopefully they learned something from me.  Good or bad, I always wanted to know why a relationship started and ended.  Last night I found out why.

I now know that spending all those decades alone could have only one result…more lonliness.

What I neglected to see is that there is something wrong with me.  I don’t know how to treat or respect people.  I never learned how and I don’t know how to learn.  It’s like driving a car, you see a red light and hit that brake pedal and you do it all without really thinking.  Before I knew what was going on….it’s done, over, and I was the one driving.

It’s not about fixing the relationships anymore, that much I did learn last night.  It’s about recognizing something within myself that’s broken and until I can fix what’s broken it will never go away.  I know what the problem is, I just don’t know how to fix me.  I don’t know how to hit that brake without thinking.

Do I go into therapy? Can I spend months trying to get to the root of my issue so I can come into friendships healthy and sane?  I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that whole thought.  The only other alternative I have is to no longer allow people into my personal life.  I’m doing this not to be self-hating or arrogant.  I’m doing this because I love you all enough to not subject anyone ever again to me.  So, when I keep you at arms length please understand that I’m not capable of loving anther human being unconditionally.

Christmas

Christmas.

Christmas

Today, I am grateful for everything I have.  Right now, I let go of the past and look forward to what is coming, and appreciate what remains.

So much time I spend thinking about the past and how I could have changed it and affected the people from it differently.  I can’t change anything about it…not one thing and today I let it all go.  My prayer is that I have enough hindsight to release it all when I start to look behind and am reminded to turn my head to look forward…chin high, chest out, and proud.

In this moment right now, I am grateful for it all.  I am thankful for a clean home, a bed, my car, my clothes and shoes, hot water, food, good health, my dogs, and my few friends who truly understand and appreciate me as I do them.

As I write all of this I look forward to what is coming and will look with joy for what is ahead for what is ahead is wonderful because I will not spend anytime thinking of things I have no control over.

My Christmas gift to me is happiness and excitement for a future filled with abundance and divine guidance.  Amen!